It’s a Christmas Special… in August?
Forward: Click here to read chapter one. This series is based on a conversation I had regarding spam comments. Rather than delete them like a sane person, I read them and turn them into weird(er) stories. Today’s chapter is inspired by these bizarre “Lee and Larry” comments I receive. They are always about God and the proper way to worship. The views and ideas expressed in these are not necessarily my own.
Previously in Spam Saga…
I sent my bank account information to a Saudi-Arabian Prince so I could claim my fortune. While I waited for the paperwork to process, he began to tell me the 100% true story about a God-fearing American family that was completely and utterly average in every way. Unfortunately, there was a problem with the paperwork so I’ve since had to send him my SSID. While we wait for that mess to get sorted out, he offered up a story about the family we had heard little about in the previous chapter.
I gladly accepted his generous offer.
Lee and Larry were singing their nightly devotions when Daddy stated, “Thеre arre lots of ways to worship.” He did so to probably get Lee and Larry to stop singing. The pair were particularly bad singers.
Lee, which was short for “LeeLee” was a tom-boyish girl of approximately 14 years of age. She was not particularly interesting. Larry was her handsome older brother of 17 years who was equally uninteresting. In fact, the whole family was perfectly stereotypical. They were a God-fearing, wholesome, nuclear family even before The War broke out.
Daddy continued once the two siblings had quieted, “It is almost Christmas and as much as I love hearing you sing “Silent Night” (he didn’t), we should share God’s word in some other way.”
“Of course Daddy” Lee and Larry proclaimed in unison. There was just one problem, they did not know the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Over the years, corporate America had confused them with the focus on gift giving. On top of that, people hardly ever said, “Merry Christmas” to each other in passing. Now it was “offensive” and “presumptuous” to do such things. Spreading the good word of God was difficult in these politically correct times. Lee and Larry decided to voice these concerns.
“Just what should we do Daddy?” Asked Lee.
“Just what is the TRUE meaning of Christmas?” Questioned Larry.
Fortunately, Daddy had just recently “learn part of the ѕtory of Jesus coming at Christmas which iss the place he read yearly throughout Decxember sso tһey miցht know thｅ rewal purpose foor Christmas, too have fun the delivery of Jesus.” So he told them this.
“At the end of it, Lee requested, ‘?Daddy, did Jesus get a party еvery yeaг with presents and a clown too?'” Obviously, she had missed the point of what Daddy had said before (I mean who could blame her, did you read what he said?). Larry was also confused but did not add to the conversation.
Daddy, being the lazy alcoholic that he was, decided this was the perfect way to get his children (if they were even his) out of the house. “You mean you don’t know?!?” He feigned shock while adding, “Even after all these years of devotion to our good Lord?” He could tell by the looks that the two children possessed that they had taken the bait.
“We surely do not know” Lee and Larry said once again in unison.
“You will simply have to ask others,” Daddy gave them a warm smile, “only then will the TRUE meaning of Christmas be made clear to you.” He knew the two suckers would fall for this one, hook-line-and-sinker.
They fell for it.
So off Lee and Larry went to learn the TRUE meaning of Christmas. They didn’t know where to start so they simply just began wandering the streets in their quaint little town. Hopefully somebody would know the TRUE meaning of Christmas.
For awhile, they didn’t run into anybody but were excited to see a tall, scary looking boy walking with a fierce looking child. They assumed that the boy and girl were father and daughter, but upon drawing nearer learned that that they were actually classmates and possibly lovers.
Before they could ask them the TRUE meaning of Christmas, the girl began to tell the boy, “I have to be a good girl or SANTA won’t come!” The boy looked slightly taken aback by this but Lee and Larry didn’t notice, they were focused on the girl’s words. “He is the TRUE reason for Christmas, I saw him once when I was just a little girl when he made my wish come true…”
Lee and Larry were ecstatic! In just a short time they had already learned the TRUE meaning of Christmas, or so they thought at least, and so without thinking rushed off to tell as many people as they could without hearing the rest of what the girl had to say.
After this momentous event, the next group of people they ran into was a group of three homeless people. Knowing that God would be pleased if they told the homeless people the TRUE meaning of Christmas, they rushed over to tell them. That was when Lee and Larry realized that the homeless people were arguing about what to do with their baby. It was cold and they were homeless after all.
The first of the three homeless people was a stout man who reeked of alcohol. He was surprisingly welcoming in his demeanor and reminded Lee and Larry of a more kind-hearted version of their father. Naturally, they figured he had a crippling gambling addiction as well.
At first, they thought the second homeless person was a women, but it turned out that “she” was actually a he. He was going on and on about how he wanted to raise the baby perfectly so he could have a truly “womanly” experience. The other homeless people seemed annoyed with him, probably because he was so melodramatic.
The youngest of the three was a woman about Larry’s age. Clearly a runaway. They suspected she had some secret, yet unknown past. Maybe she stabbed her father and feared that her family could never again accept her? Really, who could know, it’s not like these people really matter enough to go into such detail.
Lee and Larry decided to inform the homeless before them about the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Lee started in first, “We have come to tell you the TRUE meaning of Christmas and to bring you hope!”
Larry then added, “Times may be hard, but once Christmas is here, Santa will make your wishes come true!” The pair beamed at the three strangers, eager for their reaction. Unfortunately, the three strange homeless people only laughed.
After a few minutes of this, the stout one finally calmed down enough to explain, “That is not the TRUE meaning of Christmas! Surely you must be confused.” He gave a soft chuckle before the other man entered the conversation.
“You see this baby here?” The children nodded in affirmation, “She was given to us as a GIFT from God.” She smiled and made some flamboyant movements with a squeal of joy before adding, “This here is the real TRUE meaning of Christmas, the GIFT of Life and the celebration of it!” However, all the children got from this is that Christmas is about gifts.
Lee and Larry thanked the homeless people and each group waved a “good-bye” to the other. Eager to inform some more passerby (I checked by the way, that is the plural. Just a fun fact) Lee and Larry were filled once again with new vigor. It was now later into the day drawing near to late afternoon. That’s when the two siblings came across a family exiting a bar.
There was an older couple and a younger couple. The older couple seemed to be poking fun at the woman in the younger couple for getting hammered. “Ha, first time drinking huh?” The elder man jested. “What, there are some kids lookin’ at us kind of funny over there.” He pointed to Lee and Larry, “Whatcha want, it’s rude to stare you know!”
After a moment of processing the scene, Larry called back, “We have just learned the TRUE meaning of Christmas and are telling all we can about it!” At this moment Lee ran up to them with a goofy smile on her face.
“You see, the TRUE meaning of Christmas is all about gifts!” That’s when Lee began to feel about her pockets as if looking for something. After failing to produce whatever she was looking for, she gave the group a look of disappointment and added, head hung low, “I would give you a gift but I don’t have anything to give…”
The man shook his head, these kids were clearly misguided. “Kids these days…” He muttered beneath his breath. Then he gave Lee a pat on the head as Larry finally came up to everybody. “Christmas isn’t about that, you see it’s about…” he paused for dramatic effect, “BASE-er I mean, FAMILY! As long as you have them, like I have mine here,” He gestured to the other members of his party, “then you are celebrating the TRUE spirit of Christmas.”
This left Lee and Larry stunned. The answer was so simple! The man gave them a nod and took his family back home knowing he had done a good deed. That’s when Lee and Larry realized, clearly we have been fooled! The answer simply couldn’t be FAMILY. No, no, couldn’t be. Now confused and contemplative, Lee and Larry headed to a small café nearby to get some food and think on the situation at hand.
Inside they were greeted by a wondrous aroma of various pies, cookies, and coffee. Larry ordered the two a slice of lemon meringue pie each and a hot chocolate. Inside there was a woman and a boy discussing the intricacies of Pachelbel’s “Cannon in D Major.” It seemed a serious conversation. Lee and Larry were about to have one as well.
The two ate and drank in silence, only occasionally sharing pleasantries. Once they had gathered their thoughts they went back and forth about what the TRUE meaning of Christmas could really be. That’s when the woman and boy overheard and began to approach them now that they had finished their own conversation just moments ago.
“Excuse me,” started the woman, “I couldn’t help but overhear you two discussing the TRUE meaning of Christmas with each other.”
The boy chimed in, “We could tell you if you’d like. We know the TRUE meaning of Christmas.”
Lee and Larry then explained to the woman and boy what they had done that day and the various, seemingly conflicting, TRUE meanings of Christmas they had learned. It was clear that the two siblings were quite distraught by this. The woman knew she could quell their confusion.
“You see children,” the woman started in, “Christmas is about the birth of Christ. It is a celebration of Jesus entering the world so that he could later die for our sins. It all began with three wise men…” The woman gave a beautiful, and lengthy, explanation about Christmas and its True meaning. The boy would add to the story here and there. Finally, after about thirty minutes of talking, she eventually finished her winded tale. “…and that is the TRUE meaning of Christmas.”
Lee and Larry still looked confused.
“That’s it. That’s the whole story, the TRUE meaning of Christmas right there.” The woman was now confused. “That’s what you were wanting to know, right?”
“Well, yes, but we aren’t Christians.” Said Larry.
“Yes, not Christians.” Added Lee.
Surely at this point you must be confused. While Lee and Larry’s family were religious zealots, they were in-fact, not Christians. You see, Lee and Larry worshiped a long forgotten God. They were not all that similar, the two religions that is. One thing they did share was a Christmas celebration that was rooted in some TRUE meaning, hence the confusion. I could see how you might have thought that they were Christians.
The woman and boy decided they should probably just go. Things had gotten kind of weird between the two groups. With that, Lee and Larry headed home, not actually having learned the TRUE meaning of their Christmas. Once they got home Mommy asked, “Did you two learn the TRUE meaning of Christmas?”
Lee and Larry only shook their heads no. They were so ashamed.
“That’s too bad.” Mommy stated. “I’m sure you will remember once you perform your nightly devotions that are a necessary part of your day.”
That was when Lee and Larry had an idea! They would write up their adventure today and give it out, who cares if they did not learn the TRUE meaning of Christmas? They would be rich! With that, they pushed the button on the printer and proceeded to earn millions from book sales and royalties. It became a number one best-seller and was praised for teaching children the TRUE meaning of Christmas within its pages.
Each copy of the book contained the complete journey of Lee and Larry, what they learned and the people they met, a superb recipe for lemon meringue pie, and instructions for awakening the long lost God that they worshiped. It was a wholesome read that graced the bookshelves of nearly every American household, school, and library. It became nearly as ubiquitous as The Bible itself.
The Saudi-Arabian Prince concluded his tale, “And that is a true story explaining the TRUE meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate it all over the world today.” He then informed me that he would have to finalize some things before my fortune would be delivered to me. He said that it would take a few days before things were ready. I was so excited I could almost burst! I thanked the Prince and proceeded to wait…
Next time on Spam Saga: Larry had noticed Lee was acting strangely. He couldn’t quite place his finger on it until he accidently discovered that Lee was a girl, and she was hot! Don’t touch that dial! You won’t want to miss the steamy third installment of Spam Saga, “Ch.3 How to Gain MILLIONS of Readers Like ME: God, That’s My Little Sister?!? Larry Discovers Lee’s Secret!”
As I mentioned this was created using a few spam comments I got about “Lee, Larry, Mommy, and Daddy.” The next installment gets really weird so I’ll apologize in advance. Don’t worry though, it will be family friendly, I’ll censor it 🙂 I wanted to take a crack at poking fun at the whole “falling in love with your little sister” story. It should be interesting. Oh, and yes, I have a spam comment where Lee and Larry fall in love so it is only logical.
The next chapter will be released next week at the usual time but if you would like early access to it now, you can do so by heading over to my Patreon and becoming my supporter. Even if you don’t want to read it early, I still hope you’ll check it out and support me anyway! Your support helps me keep making content here from these to reviews. Just click the button below to learn more 🙂