Our Story Begins Like Any Other…
Forward: Derek (Apprentice Mages Lounge) and I were talking on Twitter awhile back about spam comments when I had the idea to share some of the weirder/funnier ones as tweets. Well forget that idea! Writing a story from them seems way better. Everything written is based off of spam comments. In some cases, I’ll even directly quote them. The views expressed in this are not necessarily my own, and again, it’s based off of real spam comments that I receive. Not sure how long this will last but I’ll do this as long as I keep getting spam and have ideas for it.
Present day, present time.
The following is a totally, 100% true retelling of actual events that are in no way made up for the sake of entertainment. A Saudi-Arabian Prince who just recently said I’d be coming into a lot of money soon (I just sent him my bank account information, so excited!) recounted this tale to me, so I know it’s true. After all, anything you hear on the internet is fact, and there is no denying this.
In a small town somewhere in America, a family sits down to watch the mandatory broadcast. Such things had become routine for them, and many families across the nation. The family was not particularly large, there was Lee, Larry, Mommy, and Daddy. They were your typical God-fearing American family, and as such, spent many hours incorrectly interrupting the Gospel and behaving as role-model citizens.
So, it would suffice to say that this particular day, at this particular time, was most typical. The only variable is what the mandatory broadcast would relay today. The family waited with bated breath in front of the currently static TV. After a moment of flickering and a soft static sound, the broadcast sprung to life.
Appearing before them was their glorious leader, DONALD TRUMP! He stood before a most impressive podium with his top-most advisor, TAYLOR SWIFT to his left and his most fearsome general, EMMA WATSON to his right. The family blessed their lucky stars as they gave a look of reverence to the framed picture of DONALD TRUMP that hung proudly above the fireplace’s mantle. They quickly gave their attention back to the broadcast, as TRUMP began to speak. This was of the upmost importance, for missing the broadcast was punishable by death!
The speech began, “I believe HITLER was RIGHT…”
Now, you may be wondering, just how did things get into such a state of affairs? This is a most excellent question that is well deserving of an answer. Let me now recount to you just how exactly we got to this unfortunate scene that was previously described before you today.
At first, nobody took TRUMP’S running very seriously in the election to decide who would become the next US President. Many people on The Wired would jest and create silly memes about him and go on to suggest that some other candidate would win. If only this had been the case, but alas, this was not to be!
With the backing of a powerful entity that resided within The Wired, known only to few at the time as L.A.I.N., it was only a matter of time before TRUMP would be declared the victor. With L.A.I.N.’s help, TRUMP swiftly secured his victory. It was later revealed that L.A.I.N. was a secret espionage cell: Let’s All Interfere Now. Obviously, the Russians were behind this but that was only the beginning of the problems.
Russia had created a monster, they thought they could control TRUMP, but they were wrong. They were very wrong. Things seemed to be going as planned until TRUMP released a most unusual “MUSIC hj VIDEO that was secretly a satanic 666 racist music.” It showed “the KKK and Adolf Hitler (for some reason the spam doesn’t all caps his name) assaulting a 12 year old African-American WOMAN OF COLOR in front of her parents and then hanging MLK with EMMA WATSON and TAYLOR SWIFT!!”
Reputable news outlets such as, “SEWER” were quick to spread this around. There was much outrage about this as people began demanding, “Deport racism today qsc.” Rallies were held where the people would shout, “Say no to hate, say no to SEWER, say no to f DONALD TRUMP and EMMA WATSON and TAYLOR SWIFT !!”
The nation began to become divided as a new Civil War erupted within the nation. One side stood with DONALD TRUMP and the other against him. Statues began to crumble, whole towns lay in ruin, and ultimately, TRUMP was able to regain control of the nation through martial law.
At this point, TRUMP had basically become a dictator and society had been plunged into what can only be described as a dystopian-esque state of being. Defiance resulted in death. He was able to maintain this level of control, even when things started to look stable again, by tricking Congress into passing a bill that gave him ultimate control and the new title: “Supreme Commander DONALD TRUMP.”
His first order of business, now that he had secured his dominance over the nation, was to appoint a secret police unit. For this job he hired EMMA WATSON. After her role in the video that began this whole ordeal, she seemed perfect for the job and was given a powerful sounding title: “EMMA WATSON The Fearsome General.”
Next, he knew that he would need a trusted advisor, so for this he turned to TAYLOR SWIFT. She also had a hand in the, now infamous, video but was largely appointed to her position of Head Advisor due to her admitting publicly long before TRUMP was elected that she had, “voted ‘for donald trump twice.'” Normally, this would be voter fraud but under present circumstances this hardly mattered.
Now citizens had to swear their loyalty to Supreme Commander TRUMP. Many people resisted, but they quickly vanished without a trace under the iron-fisted rule and direction that EMMA WATSON possessed. Of course an underground resistance group was formed, but they have since seen little luck.
Each citizen hung an immaculate framed picture in their house as a stark reminder of TRUMP’S infinite mercy, unparalleled leadership, and boundless wisdom. If a person’s home was lost in The War, as many buildings were destroyed, they simply carried the picture with them wherever they went. It would keep them safe, so they believed, and was a symbol of the wrongs that had been since righted by TRUMP.
DONALD TRUMP sat in his pristine office, unscaved by The War, his hands folded in front of his mouth. He had an ominous presences as his eyes were obscured by the viewing angle that the others in the room had to take since they were looking up to him from below. TRUMP had just finished reviewing a recording of an interview with one of the rebellion leaders.
It was time to give a speech to unite the people that he ruled. The mandatory broadcast was announced via The Early Broadcast System (EBS) and the masses waited in anticipation. “What would their most wondrous ruler have to say this time?” They all began to wonder this. The rebels knew what this was about and they planned not to sit idle. Thus, they began to prepare for action.
What was up with that family in the beginning? What are the rebels planning? What was TRUMP going to say next? Are all of these going to be this weird? Why were there so many anime references in this? And most importantly, just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? All of these questions, and more(!) will (probably) be answered in the next chapter of Spam Saga!
I hope that you enjoyed this silly thing. This chapter was inspired by a Donald Trump spam comment and a few related comments centered around “Lee, Larry, Mommy and Daddy.” I have a enough ideas, and comments, for at least one more of these so I’ll do another. Let me know if you enjoyed this and what do you think will happen next?
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